So a couple of days ago, I started to re-read Tuesdays with Morrie again. And I never really understood why I can always get back into reading it with out loosing the interest on what will happen on the next page. It’s a book that will teach you about how meaningful life really is.

You tend to think that, I’m young and I have so much to live for. I was once told that you wouldn’t really know the meaning of youth until you look back at your old teenage pictures saying, I was young. I’m 21 turning 22 this August. In my life time, I’ve witnessed the advancement in technology and the corrode of human society. To the witness of broadcasted terrorist acts, first black president, and a couple olympics. Life has a lot to offer, and I’m still figuring out on how to survive in jobless America. 

As we all search for who we truly are in our future, we setup a mentality or standards to live by. So dream big. Dream so big that you actually want to reach for it and make it come true. “You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin’ themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.” - Will Smith (Pursuit of Happyness).

I was never really the smart kid in any of my classes in high school. I dropped out of honors, failed classes, and just didn’t really care. I was totally just not in sync with school, all I know is that I went there to nap and do graffiti. I was in this boring mentality that I wanted to get out off, I realized it when I was attending night remedial classes for Economics. We all know that it’s a required class to be passed in order for you to graduate. I was in that remedial class. I hated it.

My mom was disappointed and she was those old school Filipino mom’s that you must be disciplined in order for you to learn your lesson. The first time she heard that I might not graduate, I took a beating and thrown mugs and almost every small thing that’s hard and easy to throw. I took it all in. So, I told myself that I don’t want to be some guy that would just accept easy things with out doing any hard work for it. My parents gave me a great future and I’m not here to just throw all of their hard work away.

A week before the graduation, I received my grades. And I passed all of my classes. I gave it to my mom and told her that I was graduating. I slowly went up to my room, and she told me that she’s relieved that she can start planning for the graduation party. 

Life as we know it, are compiled by things that has happened to us. We won’t know the significance of it until we are old.

Bring back the aqueduct days. Civilization will regain its throne.

I’ve seen to many “You’re blog is great” asks on my dash too much. Probably because majority of the people I follow post cool fucking pictures. Yeah, it’s great because it’s filled up with tons of pictures that has been reblogged. Compile all the coolest pictures of the net into one blog, then of course it’ a great blog.

Don’t get me wrong, I still follow them because I want to see cool pictures, but the props shouldn’t be handed because anyone can do that. Anyone can just hit reblog and all that shit, heck I can even do that and I DO do that.

To me, a great blog consist of originality. Not a bunch of reblogs. I do follow amazing bloggers, and I’ve seen original content. Those are the ones that need those ask, the ones that actually need the praise. But that’s just me. And to you, this is just bullshit. So FUCK YOU.

Endless thoughts grasp the quiet void I have inside my head. Locked up emotions and words just dying to come out. I want to speak, I want to yell, I want to do everything when I’m by myself. Yet, when I’m surrounded by noise, I feel comfort.

Maybe with noise, I feel like that I don’t need to speak, I’m safe. The safety from my own thoughts. Probably that’s why it’s always better when you’re surrounded by good company, because you don’t over think. You are busy with something that’s in front of you.

“For all the noise I make with my friends, I am still not comfortable talking about my feelings in front of others..”- Mitch Albom. It’s because the sense of vulnerability is there, afraid to be open. So I just keep everything in. Because that’s how it is.

I won’t judge you because you had a bad past. I mean who the fuck has their hands clean to actually judge someone? Everyone, because everyone thinks that they are fucking great all the fucking time. That’s just how life is right? Wrong, I’ve been judged. Feels like shit. I mean yeah it happened a couple of years ago and I’ve learned from it, but people still treat me as if I was the same person then. Fuck it. Judge me.

So, that’s why I won’t judge. Because I know what it felt like being judged when they clearly don’t know the real me. I’ve met a girl who I’ve only wanted to be friends with, but sadly rejected the offer because I would ruin their “rep” in school. I’ve felt pretty shitty about that, because I wasn’t trying to be more than just friends. Who the fuck refuses into being friends? No one, except her.

So fucking what if I’ve heard shit about you, I won’t treat you any different. I will get to know you myself, because I won’t let some rumor or bad past decide for me if we can be friends or not.

I don’t know. just an observation.

Remember that feeling when the person you’ve liked from afar starts dating someone and you just can’t get mad because there was nothing there? Because you’ve always been at the sideline in the friend zone comforting her when jackasses plays with her heart. That same feeling that makes you smile when she’s happy. Never had the courage to confess feelings because it will ruin a friendship. Sheltered and scared, so you just keep everything in and do as much as you can to see her smile. Remember those times when she’d call you on the phone because she’s going through a heartbreak? When all you can do is comfort her and tell her you’re there. And you look into her eyes and you know you can treat her so much better than they can.

When you wonder if you’ll ever get a chance. Remember. Remember all those fucking feelings when you just ask yourself endless questions on why you can’t have her, or why you can’t be the one for her, or why the fuck you’re too scared to take a step and tell her everything that you’ve been feeling. Remember all those fucking feelings when she just introduces you as her friend, you don’t know where you actually stand. She runs to you when she has a problem, but she’s gone when another guy pops up. She shares conversations with you until there’s a new guy in the picture. But when you’re gone her world disappears. She has a bond with you that she can’t explain. You are just a friend. Forever a friend.

Slowly you are hurting, slowly you remember all the feelings. The hurt consumes you, but you just put on a fake smile to hide the pain. You are nothing but a friend anyways.

Because, you can just give your screen name with out giving your facebook profile to a stranger. I think a “friend request” requires more than an effort of let me be your friend with out knowing anything about you. Maybe that’s why I miss aim, because through an instant messaging program you don’t have to give anything to them but a screen name. Get to know each other through conversations then send that “friend request”… I don’t fucking know.

I’ve always told myself to stop looking, to stop searching for that ideal girl. But clearly I’ve failed miserably and ed up eating my own word. So this time, I think I’m sticking to my decision. To simply stop looking. If they really want to approach me, then I’ll let destiny take place. Ha, destiny. What a funny word.

shattered pieces, memories on the floor like broken glasses, painful to be held, yet your reflections stayed in them, your smiles haunt my dreams, and your laugh kills my thought when I’m awake, time to run, away from shattered memories, away from you, away from your existence, away from places we’ve been to, away from your family, away from mine, they say heartbreaks are easy to get over just as long as you have another, bitch to fuck, keeping sanity and morality just isn’t working, let me smoke that, let me take a hit, let me smash, let me confuse you with the things i can say than the average, let me wrap your body with intellectual plays that would leave you pondering, more engage, more captivated, more interested, but i’m the stupid one, once I give it my all, it’ll be my own downfall.